Lessons from Adolescence
aka: how I keep my nervous system from imploding
As I re-listened to my recent podcast episode, something that really struck me was how much happened, how much changed over the course of my adolescent years.
Apart from the obvious, happens-to-everyone stuff, my health alone was in constant flux.
Some of this change was really wonderful: in the years following the Deep Brain Stimulation surgeries, I gained mobility and felt much less exhausted by contorted muscles.
Some of the change was more difficult, especially my increasing mental health struggles.
Apart from surgeries, I had two, week-long hospital stays.
The first time was during my freshman year: I attended my school’s variety show, and sitting in my wheelchair for so long led to horrible pain and an injured back.
The following day or so was a daze for me until the paramedics arrived, but I do remember lying on the wood floor in our living room, curled in a fetal position as spasms sent waves of firey pain shooting throughout my body.
The second stay was a couple years later, this time in the psych ward.
In the months prior to this hospital stay, I reached out to my school psychologist and nurse. They assured me that “nothing was wrong with me”.
I looked too pleasant, sounded too cheerful. An automatic survival strategy I learned in previous years- now, it meant (and sometimes still means) that people don’t believe I’m struggling “that bad”.
Unfortunately, that led to more harmful coping strategies like marking my body to document my pain in a way no one could dismiss.
So, what did I learn from adolescence?
Nothing is certain.
Everything can change in a matter of seconds.
I can’t allow myself to relax because everything can go to hell in an instant.
Now, some of these conditioned beliefs are still true: life is still in constant change and I can’t take any resource for granted..
But also, it’s not sustainable for me to never relax.
So how do I both accept the inevitability of change, stay flexible enough to face massive shifts in health and resources, and also somehow keep my nervous system from imploding?
I don’t have an easy answer- after all, I’m still learning.
But I have noticed a few things that help:
zooming out or zooming in- if I feel overwhelmed by everything, I bring it in to something I can do for myself right now, in this moment; if my thoughts are spiraling around one situation, I consider the bigger picture – often considering my larger community.
daily breathwork and movement- I’ll talk more about this in the coming weeks!
painting- I have included a few pieces sprinkled throughout this newsletter that I made when in a highly emotional or overwhelmed state.
Stepping away from my own story..
I often like to include a question or prompt for you to consider; here are a couple to think about:
How do you navigate change?
What’s something you can do to soothe your nervous system? (this week, today, or even right this moment?)
Have a wonderful week!
Riv